Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim, But where's my
husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee"

Mary Clancy goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service,
and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have
any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that gun.'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Seeing hows I'm a wee bit Irish, I feel compelled to chime in JM........

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?"

"Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!"

Kel (Murphy)

BTW, y'all know why God invented alcohol don't ya........to keep the Irish from taking over the Earth :p

Kel

The Irishman was staggering home with a bottle in his back pocket when he slipped and fell. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he said, "let it be blood!"

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me.

If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey."

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Paddy was in New York and he was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted,

"Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted "Pedestrians" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

Question: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

Answer: One less drunk.


Dave (1/4 Irish, but 1/2 drunk)

Irish drinking song:
"not now, not now , but now!"

The real reason why God invented alcohol . So ugly woman can get laid.
Bjørn K

Mrs. O'Leary is chatting with Mrs. O'Rourke in a pub when she glances out the window and shrieks, "Oh no, here comes my Paddy up the front walk with a bouquet of flowers! I suppose this means I'll be spending the entire weekend on my back with my legs in the air!"

In a puzzled tone Mrs. O'Rourke replies, "What's the matter, don't you have a vase?"

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a pub and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man.
"I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks:
"What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man.
"I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says.
"I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Sean walks into the bedroom around 3AM, He has a goat under his arm.He wakes up his wife and claims 'here is the pig I've slept with for 10 years! She says 'Sean your so drunk, ya dont even know thats a goat. Sean looks at his wife and says ' I wadnt talkin to you!' --MIK

An Englishman, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar and each order a beer. Each one notices that they have a fly floating on top of the beer. The Englishman speaks up first:
"I say, my good man, there seems to be a fly in my beer. Would you be so kind as to pour me another?"
Then, the Scott addresses the Bartender:
"Laddy, ahhl bye puhhling yer broooken teeth out ohf me fingers if yoo dohn't pull that fly out ohf me beer!"
The Irishman looks down at his beer and sees the fly, then, pulls the fly out of the beer, gently holding him between his thumb and index finger over the top of the beer. With his other index finger, he gently presses against the chest of the fly, while he exclaimed:
"SPIT IT OUT, YA LITTLE BASTARD!!! SPIT IT OUT!!!"

Paddy goes into the pub and orders 3 pints of Stout.. quietly, he sits and drinks all three, minding his own business.

He returns the next night, and the next, and does this for a couple of weeks straight ordering three pints at a time and drinking them all himself.

After a month, the bartender finally says, "you know, I can serve em one at a time and they'll stay colder for ya".

Paddy declines and says, "No, I'm drinking these in memory of me two brothers. When we were young, every night we'd go to the pub and have a pint together". "We haven't seen each other for years, so this is my way to be with them again".

After several months he came in one night and only ordered 2 pints. By then, the rest of the patrons had learned of his story and everyone immediately figured something terrible had happened.

Finally one patron decided to ask "Paddy, we all know you have 3 pints every night to share with ye brothers, and tonight yur only having two. Were afraid something terrible has happened and we wanted to offer ye our condolences".

Paddy looked up and said, "Oh sweet Jesus, nothing bad has happened, thank ye anyway tho, that's mighty kind of ya. I just gave up drinking for lent."

Me late Irish friend Bob Corrigan bequeethed thee my beautiful 69 Bird, and I will be swillin the Jameson on the rocks tonight in his memory. OK, maybe I've already started!

A Irish Toast: May you be in heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you are dead.

I've drank to your health in Taverns...
I've drank to your health in my home...
I've drank to your health so danm many times...
I've almost ruined my own!

"Drinking is a curse," proclaimed the Irish Priest. "It makes you quarrel with your neighbour, and shoot at your landlord….and miss…"

No one can force me to drink, I'm a volunteer

Two leprochans had a bet. To settle their bet, they take it to a convent. Mother Suprior answers the door, and says "Oh my goodness! Its a leprochan!"

The first Leprochan replies, "Take it easy sister, I only wanna ask you a question. Are there any nuns in your convent that are my size?"

"No, little man, there is no nuns in my convent that are your size."

"Alright then. Are there any nuns in all of Ireland, that are my size?"

"No, little man, there are no nuns in all of Ireland that are your size."

"Alright then. One more question: Are there any nuns in all of the world, that are my size?"

"No, little man, I am quite sure there are no nuns in all of the world that are your size!"

"Okay then." The second leprochan starts laughing his *** off. But through the laughter, he manages to say "You see, I told you f*cked a penguin!"

How many irish men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Ten! One to hold the lightbulb and nine more to drink until the room spins.